Thursday, April 22, 2010

Kendra Pays Her Respects

My friend Kendra just returned from a trip home to attend a funeral. While that was bad, the way things turned out was even worse.

I have my own story along those lines but for now I think I'll tell hers instead.

Her uncle died. She was close and it was a sad thing. She drove from Ohio to Tennessee, meeting up with her mother and sisters. All of them were running late, and the service was an hour away. They were cutting it close. Kendra's mom got behind the wheel.

And promptly ran over the family dog.

Kendra and her sisters realized what happened but the mother did not. "You just ran over the dog!" they screamed.

"No, I didn't."

"Yes! You did!"

The dog was shrieking and it's entire lower half was paralyzed. Eventually the mother realized what her daughters were telling her was entirely true. Decisions, decisions: deal with the dog or show up to her bother's funeral on time?

Cell phones were clicked and one of the sibling's boyfriend was dispatched to leave work and arrive to deal with the half-crushed pet.

Inside the car, Kendra, her mother and the sisters were freaking right out. "Didn't you just tell the dog, this morning," one of the daughters said, "that if it didn't stop barking you were going to kill its sorry ass?"

The mother convulsed in a new fit of sobbing; that was exactly what had went down.

Kendra was unable to deal, and the fact that everyone else in the car were fans of rap pushed her over the edge. "WILL YOU TURN THE RADIO DOWN?" she screamed, a half-dead dog and a fully-dead uncle and a career-dead Asher being too much for her to bear. One of her sisters leaned forward for the volume knob and, unfortunately, in the process, her big-boned buttocks knocked over a coffee cup, spilling it on another sister, who had to exit the car, step over the howling, half-crushed dog and return to the house so she could scrub her dress with Life Buoy and blow it clean with a hair dryer.

So Kendra's family had kind of a late start.

They arrived at the funeral home one minute before the service. They were all sobbing; the majority of the guests thinking, 'Oh they must have been so close to the dear departed' insead of "Whoopsie, we just ran over the dog." Kendra, her mother, and her sisters (particularly the one who was trying to hide the coffee blotch on her dress) settled in and tried their best to think about the uncle. But the sounds of a yelping mutt that's spine had been ground into powder took center stage.

The boyfriend called from the vet. Kendra's mother agreed, via cell phone, it would be best if the dog be put down.

"I know," the pastor said, "the death of your beloved family member upsets you..." while Kendra's mother spat out hacking sobs as she tucked her phone into her purse, knowing what she'd done.

Pat at work burst into a sob-fest on hearing this tale, convinced completely the story was all about her.

And I thought, of course, "Shit! Blog content!"

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