Thursday, April 8, 2010

Vendorbending McDonald's

Okay, first you have to have a look at this news story and then come back. Although it's not so much the story itself you should pay attention to but the general public's response via the crazy internets.

This, my friend, is why Al Queda will win.

There's just no middle ground here. Either people think all they have to do is say 'no' and their kids will magically obey, or they see Ronald McDonald as a red-headed Svengali with the eerie abilty to cloud their children's minds.

I don't have children, and for good reason: I can't stand the little shits. But god damn, I was once a child and haven't forgotten (as so many parents do and slap on the blinders once one comes plopping out of their womb) what it was like to be one. Essentially, you put on a good show for mom and pop and then do whatever it is you feel like doing. This is the way kids operate. Period. They know you don't want to imagine them lying or stealing or having sex, so they give you just the image you're looking for and live a completely different life outside your scruitiny.

Kids are going to eat at McDonald's. Not because some pedophile (yes, that is exactly how one hysterical respondent to this story viewed a cartoon clown, apparently equating the eating of french fries with forced anal rape) has lured your children against their will; but probably because it's affordable if your only source of cash flow is your goddamn allowance. Organic whole foods are pretty damn pricey. Oh, and that, to a kid, McDonald's tastes good even, or perhaps especially more so, if you've been raised your entire life on salads and vegan-equivalent hot dogs. Kids want most what they've been told they cannot have, be it fast food, booze or someone else touching their privates. Deal with it.

So as a parent, it's your fucking job to know where your kids are and what they're doing. GPS cell phones make it easier for you than any other generation of nutjob guardians. Quit whining, quit putting the blame on advertising icons and do just a smidgeon of actual parenting to find out what's going on with your goddamn children. On the other hand, if you are one of these chest-thumping yahoos who claim "I've TOLD my children not to eat there, so, by God, they won't!" you have your head every bit as far up your ass as the folks who think Ronald McDonald is not only real but has the same skill set as Derren Brown. Because children are hardwired to be lying little bastards. If you think your coming across as a bully is going to change this, you're fooling yourself.

You wanna raise your kid vegan and not give them the opportunity to make this choice for their own self, the way you did, fine. That's going to be it's own punishment in a few years when they discover pulled pork and chicken fat as a means of rebellion. By all means, feel free to place the blame on The Hamburglar so you can sleep at night. Likewise, those of you turning a blind eye to the fact your child is swelling up like The Hindenburg, keep on maintaining that whole glandular line of crap. As always, the truth is somewhere in the middle, and reading the responses to this news story goes to show how stupidly hard-line America is when it comes to belief over reason as long as someone gets to pretend they're always right.

Makes me wanna puke both my #1 Value Meal AND my Paul Newman Southwest Salad.

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