Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gimme That Old Time Religion

My plea, sincerely, to the Motion Picture Association Ratings board, who in the seventies rated Jesus Christ Superstar, with its gory finale of a man being nailed through his palms, G, for general audiences, but in the here and now sees fit to slap right-winger Ben Stein’s pro-creationist Expelled with a PG-13 just because it contains archival footage of Edwin R. Murrow smoking, is to take a minute and get over yourselves.

Actually, I love the movie Expelled. Not because I believe in creationism but because I wholeheartedly believe in freedom. People are losing their jobs and having their lives turned upside down because what they want to say doesn’t match the P.C. thought police’s idea of what constitutes a valid argument. This is crap. I have a blog where I tell a story about jacking off into some socks, and these guys are right behind me in terms of my right to put it out there. Someone else believes in a Jewish zombie crawling from the grave and oh no, we can’t have this at all. I just think it’s wrong. You either believe in freedom of speech, period, or you don’t. There’s no such thing as middle ground. You don’t want to hear about how all the homos are going to hell and they don’t want to hear buttfucking jokes on Will and Grace at 4pm when the kids come home from school. Both points of view should be allowed to be aired. If you can’t get this, you are the worst extreme on either side of the argument. So you simply cancel each other out, as no particular party line can be judged by its crazy extremists.

But no, both sides have their share of morons who are more interested in being right; in holding THE TRUTH over everyone’s heads so they can feel a little bit better about themselves by pretending they’re the big expert and confusing belief with proof, rather than finding fellowship despite differences. These people will spend the remainder of the brief slice of life we’re given arguing with one another and no doubt deserve one another. Because being right and therefore smarter is above anything else. What a sad and pathetic way to view humanity.

Anyway, back to you, MPAA ratings board: Let me get this straight--capital punishment in the most violent way is wholesome, family fare, but someone puffing on a butt, back before the link with cancer was known, is something only teenagers should see?

Or Tim Burton’s filmed version of the children’s classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It got a PG for insanely ambiguous quirky situations but the seventies musical Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory got a G even though it was strongly implied that all the bad kids died horrible, mutilating deaths whereas in Burton’s version they all showed up for the finale. But oh lordy, Johnny Depp is more peculiar than Gene Wilder so by all means, warn the parents.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? The F-word, of course, gets an automatic R, meaning that Little Miss Sunshine deserves the same classification as the Saw movies. You can watch entrails being pulled out of someone in slow motion, but speaking a good, earthy word describing the sex act—or in most cases, used as a simple expletive—is just as wrong. Murder and cursing are on equal terms? But have you seen this show, Family Guy that comes on right before Will and Grace in syndication that the kiddies are watching?

God has cursed you for your pious sins and it’s called flat screen plasma and Blu-Ray.

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