Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Horror Haiku

Leatherface is pissed.
Hippies in a goddamn van.
Please kill Franklin first.

Teen kids having sex.
Jason shows up and snuffs them.
Christ, not another.

Michael Caine in drag.
Angie is no Janet Leigh.
Brian thinks he's Hitch.

Woman blows her lunch
and all her organs as well.
Fulci was a god.

Here comes crazy Jack.
Axe busting up the hotel.
The book was better.

Theatre of Blood.
Robert Morley has some dogs.
Hello, Rip Taylor.

David Naughton shifts.
Latex snout stretching to there.
I'm a Pepper, too.

Michael Landon shifts.
It's still ten times better than
Touched By An Angel.

Boy causes much death.
They say he's the antichrist.
You know kids today.

The mines aren't real safe.
Pickaxe through your fucking head.
Sing O Canada.

Look at Miss Kinski.
Even as a cat she's hot.
Wish I was some yarn.

Geek buys a damn car.
You would think they were screwing.
Folks die; roll credits.

Got bugs, Mr. Pratt?
Tell it to call you Billie.
The sequel so sucked.

Cabin plagued by ghosts.
Scary stuff keeps happening.
God bless Steadicam.

I see dead people
and a stunning twist ending.
Thank you, O. Henry.

Ape on twin towers.
It's even scarier now.
Thanks heaps, Al Queda.

Flies on the drywall.
Pig's eyes at the window frame.
Oh, sure, it's all true.

Saw off your damn foot.
You do that, underwear boy.
Once more with feeling.

Copperfield on train.
Jamie Lee, scared, shits herself
sans Activia.

There she is again.
To The Devil A Daughter.
Wish I was some yarn.

College kids with dough.
Ninety minutes of some twigs.
You call this scary?

Boy meets rabid dog.
Years later he's in leather.
Who's the fucking boss?

Cabin still haunted.
Plates smashing on a guy's head.
My god, it's Curly.

Legend of Hell House.
Is "Roddy McDowell" a
slang term for penis?

Little folks in jars.
How's this mesh with Frankenstein?
Fag director.

Kid kills some adults.
Halloween, or any day,
I can so relate.

Dead kid at seance.
George C. Scott cries yet again.
Is that all he does?

Penmanship medal.
Shoes in incenerator.
I dated that girl.

Ballet school mayhem.
Colors bleed off the screen.
Goddamn genius wop.

Little girl is nuts.
Forced cunnilingus with mom.
Pea soup, anyone?

Repo is awesome.
The soundtrack just kicks, brother.
Paul Sorvino? What?

Norman Bates back home.
People die again; surprise.
Whore, whore, whore, whore, whore.

Drill bit through ceiling.
Blood showers down like crazy.
Nope, still not Hitchcock.

A teenage vampire.
Emo kids all want him bad.
Sound familiar, Keefer?

Children of the Corn.
Thomas Tyron's Harvest Home.
It's plagiarism.

The dead like shopping.
I guess it's force of habit.
3M blood films well.

Jigsaw and puzzles.
Bet it wouldn't work without
post-production shit.

The shark is hungry.
Quint is awfully surly.
Here comes Schindler's List.

Woman from the well.
I've never been so frightened.
I rike this movie.

Snails, snails, snails, snails, snails.
Snails, snails, snails, snails, snails, snails, snails.
Midgets are creepy.

Girl gets sodomized
by an invisible ghost.
I should have her luck.

Wait for the action.
Keep waiting, it might happen.
It's a Hammer film.

Zombies moving fast.
Digitally speeded up.
Keystone fucking cops.

Some kids overseas.
Achille's heel gets severed.
Ouch, that's gotta smart.

They remade Chainsaw.
Studs instead of hippie boys.
Glad to watch them die.


  1. It puts the lotion in the basket.

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha! Nice!